If you’d like to see what estrogen has done to me, you can take a look here. It’s not the greatest picture of me there is, but it’ll do. For contrast I offer this shot of me from last December. BIIIIIIIG difference, and it’s not just the fact I’ve shaved since then.

I wish I’d thought to take pictures of myself every day or maybe every week in the same pose just so I could see the real progression, but frankly I don’t care enough. I know what I used to look like, and I know what I look like now, and that’s enough. I can see where I’ve come from and it’s every bit an improvement.

1. They’re much bigger than they were when I first shaved my chest. I can see them under my shirt, even when I’m sort of reclining. They bounce a lot more too. I sure wish that didn’t hurt so much, because I love the feel of the bounce. The pain is coming from the bit that’s actually growing – the mammary tissue.

2. The right one’s bigger right now. The left one started developing sooner but the right side is larger.

3. I’m not sure what to name them. For the moment they are the ladies.

4. I really need a bra soon. Unless you’re a trans woman you cannot possibly understand how happy this makes me.

In other news my body is still gearing up for pregnancy. I don’t know if this is typical or if I’m just lucky, but it’s getting old. Thankfully the urge is not yet strong enough to cause actual depression.

Also, I’ve gone over to SMC’s Psychological Services department and signed up for counselling. They don’t actually have any counsellors trained in trans issues (maybe I should suggest they call Alexander?) but they can help me. The person I spoke with there was very helpful and encouraging when I told them I was trans. Got the impression they might have been trans too. They worked very hard to make sure I felt welcome there. I just need to wait a week or so for them to call me. I am so, SO happy about this.

Had lunch with Becky today and was delighted that she used my real name. I’m not going to get hung up on names and pronouns this early in the game, but it’s such a wonderful feeling to be named and gendered correctly. I love it! Wish I’d been able to muster the courage to go dressed. Someday, maybe soon.

We had a really great time, even if I didn’t wear the clothes I wanted to wear. Maybe the next time we see them – and make no mistake, we WILL be seeing them again, and every time they’re in LA. Part of me wishes we had scads of money so we could follow them as they tour in Europe.

ANYWAY! We went up to UCLA early so we could have a look around. It was fun seeing the place again. Haven’t been there in years. When I first moved to LA in 1998 Travis was a student there and so I spent a lot of time up there. Time when I was really supposed to be looking for work. *looks innocent* Some stuff hasn’t changed much. The bookstore at Ackerman looked pretty much unchanged. There are some new restaurants in the student union upstairs from the bookstore, but a lot of them were the same. Travis got something from Wetzels and I got my dinner from Carl’s Jr.

Then we took a stroll around the campus. I remember bits of it but my sense of direction was off. It was a nice walk, but we got all sweaty. Thankfully we were able to sit outside Royce for a while to cool off. Since we had assigned seating there was no need to worry about queuing up and we just walked it. They were playing Pink Floyd’s Meddle, which made for a nice soundtrack for our wait. We came in mid-song on Pillow of Winds, and got to hear all the way through the end of Echoes (which I absolutely LOVE) and then the show started.

I spent a lot of time looking at the women in our area. I saw so many cute girls wearing seriously awesome clothes. I saw one woman with a long purple skirt. Wanted to conk her on the head and steal it! This is something about me that’s changed. I’m still looking at women with that half envious, half desirous sigh but I spend more time on the clothes than on their figures. It’s nice to be free from that annoying URGE.

When the lights went down and the band took the stage I held my breath. I was waiting for Colin. That man is seriously cute. I do not generally like guys, but for him? I’d be bi. Totally. I’m going to skip the song-by-song descriptions and just cut to the chase: as much as I love the album, as rich and potent and emotionally stirring as it is it has NOTHING whatsoever on the live performance. The potency of the music was amplified a thousandfold. When Becky Stark sang Won’t Want for Love…oh, I am unashamed to say I was in tears. Such a beautiful song. But my absolute favourite part of the show was Shara Worden’s performance as the Queen. Where Stark was light and feminine and ethereal Worden was dark and masculine and so strong. Stark fairly floated around the stage. Worden strutted around like she owned the place. And that VOICE. SO powerful, so potent. I want to be her when I grow up.

When the main set was over there was a short intermission. We got up for a much-needed stretch and pee break and then the second set began. It was so wonderful, though it was far too short. At one point during the proceedings (I forget which song) Colin and the guitarist got into a sort of “duelling banjos” thing, which devolved into the entire band switching instruments and people being called up on the stage to dance. As Colin battered the drum kit he said, “At what point do you ask for your money back?” I still have to laugh at it. The high point of the second set was the absolutely rip-roaring cover of Heart’s Crazy on You with Worden and Stark sharing lead vocals. Un-be-freaking-lievable. Ann Wilson has *NOTHING* on these two. The set finally ended with Sons and Daughters, one of my favourite tracks from The Crane Wife and with me in tears. I did not want that night to end. It was such a wonderful night.

I wore a grey scoop-neck top and a blue skirt. I am so happy I shaved my chest last week, because if I hadn’t done that, I would never have gone out in that top. I also had a hair band in, which pulls my hair back and makes me look really girly. Even a bit of lipstick. The friend we went out with loaned me a necklace, which turned out to be too small for my fat neck, so I just twisted it up and put it on my wrist as a bracelet. I LOVED THAT! It felt so nice, sliding up and down my arm all night. I need more jewelry. Anyway!

We were meeting some friends of our friend at a Thai place over in Koreatown, and got there about fifteen minutes early. So we stood outside waiting as this parade of strangers came in and out of the restaurant. I felt like I was on display, though if I’m honest I don’t think any of them gave me a second glance. One guy driving through the parking lot did a double-take and narrowed his eyes at me, but that was the only sense of hostility I got all night. Still, I was incredibly nervous and really afraid. I have a fairly mannish face so my husband and our friend were trying to allay my fears, telling me I was pretty and trying to give me the confidence to walk in the restaurant unafraid. Well, what was I going to do, demand they take me home? Going out in those clothes was MY idea!

When the others arrived we went in. The waiter sat us without blinking. It was great. We ordered and then had a nice conversation while we waited for our meal. And it was really good food. I like Thai food, and this is some of the best I’ve ever had. The whole while I tried to keep my mind off what I was wearing and to stay in the moment. I’m just glad I never needed the bathroom because I don’t know which I would have used. I would have felt really odd in the men’s, and using the women’s might get me locked up if someone had a problem with it.

And then, at the end of dinner, a man selling roses came by our table and our friend bought me some! They smelled so wonderful, which I can tell you for sure was just some perfume because this morning they smell of nothing. Still, they’re so beautiful and it was so sweet of him. Flowers are a real treat for me because we don’t really have money to spend of such an expensive-but-ephemeral luxury.

So even though I was terrified I survived. I haven’t done anything new in the experience of trans women, but it was new for me and I’m very glad I did it. Without support though I could never have made it. I won’t be going out again until I can learn to control my voice better. I was all over the map last night. Thankfully nobody seemed to notice or care. The next time I do go out though, I’ll have a bit more confidence and I won’t be quite as frightened.

So the other day my husband and I were out for a walk. As we got close to home we noticed it was starting to sprinkle just a tiny bit. “Nothing will come of it,” I thought, because…well, it’s Southern California, and like the song says, it never rains in Southern California. But when it does, it pours. Man, it pours.

It rain almost non-stop since about six that night until late yesterday afternoon. It rained ALL FREAKING NIGHT, which was totally awesome because I love the sound of the rain, and it kept me company all night. It’s very soothing.

We really could have used this rain back when the fires were raging in August and September, but at least it’s here now. The lawn, which is normally a uniform shade of tan is starting to perk up a bit. There’s green shot through the yard now. And my little arbol chilli plant is loving this too. I’m not as good about watering it as I could be, I fear, so this is pure luxury for it.

I hope we get some more rain soon, but not on Saturday. Saturday we’re going shopping and I do not want to have to cancel that because of the rain.

Today I took a shower. This was in itself nothing unusual; I usually take a shower every day. Today however, I shaved. I shaved a portion of my anatomy which hasn’t been shorn in some time: my chest. The last time I shaved it was when we were having a horrible heat wave earlier this Spring and I thought it might help. It didn’t.

But today…let me just say that I look so much better now with no hair on my chest than I did before. I could see myself very clearly, and note the changes estrogen has wrought in me. For the greater part, the changes are internal. I feel a sense of peace and wholeness which has never been there before. I am becoming more emotional. But this morning I could clearly see my breasts for the first time. And they are beautiful.

When I looked down and saw my naked chest for the first time I nearly fell down crying. I stood there gaping at them, half sobbing, half laughing. They’re all I’ve ever wanted, since first puberty, and now… Small though they are, they’re a lot bigger than they looked under the hair. Put me in a bra and they’d be very noticeable. They’ve got some growing to do (and the rest of my body has a lot of shrinking to do) but I am entirely happy with what I’ve got right now. I’ll spare you the prosaic recounting of their appearance and say only this: they are small, perfect and MINE.

Oh well, that’s life. Can’t control what other people do, I suppose. But I CAN refrain from providing the world with more tranny porn. You aren’t entitled to see my chest, folks.

So after ten weeks on estrogen my breasts are really popping out. This is due in large part to the fact that I’m overweight and thus have some extra fat for the E to redistribute. No complaints there. But the actual development of breast tissue is proceeding apace, and I expect that after a year or so on E I should have a really nice pair of breasts which won’t disappear if I lose the 100lbs or so that I hope to. At the moment they’re not especially noticeable but if cup them they’re very obvious.

A trans man friend of mine who is a self-proclaimed expert on breasts and bras (and with a pair of DDs I guess he does know his stuff) tells me though that I don’t want the cute & sexy bras, that they’re generally crap. He tells me I should buy something by Wacoal or Bali, though these bras cost a lot more money than I’m able to spend. At the moment I seem to be a size 48B, which is a very odd size. Most bra manufacturers seem to think that if your band size is that large you’re at least a C cup. A lot more manufacturers don’t seem to even MAKE bras with that band size. Nobody seems to make cute/sexy bras in that size, anyway. I’ll be buying the least expensive bra I can find in my size, which at the moment appears to be a Playtex 18-hour bra. It looks solid and comfy (at least as comfortably as a bra can be).

I’ve worn a lot of bras over the years, and I enjoy wearing them, but this is the first time in my life when I’ll wear one because I NEED to. And that makes me so very, very happy. I keep thinking I’m dreaming and I’ll wake up and be back in my old, depressing life in the closet. If this is a dream, let me never wake.